Some fear it. Some love it. Some simply don’t believe it.
Whatever your stance may be, the Ouija board has been a staple of Halloween get-togethers, seances, and ghost stories of all kinds since the 19th century. For years, people have sought the Ouija’s wisdom to speak to the spirits of the dead, to prognosticate the future, and to scare the hell out of each other at parties.
Tonight, the deeply inexperienced crew of Town & Country News seek the Ouija’s wisdom once more. Tonight we seek the opinion of the dead for our modern day matters.
Q: Is someone in the room with us?
A: (Planchette points to “Yes”)
Q: Are ghosts real?
A: (Planchette points to “No”)
Q: Are you lying?
A: (Planchette points to “Yes”)
Q: Will the Oilers win the Stanley Cup this year?
A: HA-HA-HA
Q: Any financial advice you can give us?
A: INVEST-IN-DINOSAUR-CLONING
Q: Like in Jurassic Park?
A: (Planchette points to “Yes”)
Q: Ghosts can watch movies?
A: (Planchette points to “Yes”)
Q: What’s your favourite movie?
A: POLTERGEIST
Q: Who will win, Trump or Harris?
A: (Planchette shot off the table; it took us 15 minutes to find it.)
Q: What are things in life to avoid?
A: ASTEROIDS
Q: What advice can you give our readers for 2025?
A: LOOK-OUT-FOR-ASTEROIDS
Q: Does that mean an asteroid is going to hit Earth in 2025?
A: NO-BUT-GOOD-TO-BE-PREPARED
Q: What do you think of our youth’s reliance on phones?
A: WHAT-IS-A-PHONE
Q: It’s a machine that lets people talk to each other when they’re far away. Some people say that the youth today use them too much. What do you think?
A: IS-THIS-A-BAD-THING
Q: Some people say that kids should be more connected to the real world that’s happening around them.
A: YOU-ARE-TALKING-TO-A-OUIJA-BOARD (Editor’s note: The planchette seemed very smug)
Q: Who is the most famous person you’ve met in the afterlife?
A: HARAMBE
Q: The gorilla?
A: YES
Q: Animals can be ghosts?
A: MOST-GHOSTS-ARE-ANIMALS. GHOST-COWS. GHOST-BIRDS. GHOST-ANTS
Q: What’s the afterlife like?
A: FILLED-WITH-GHOST-ANTS
Q: Who are you?
A: BIG-SAM
Q: Big Sam – wait, like the dinosaur?
A: (Planchette pointed to “Goodbye.” The spirit did not communicate with us again).